and how it started. I haven't gone into that yet.
JC I knew....it didn't happen at first. I had thought he was a dork. It was later.....a different time. That it happened. I looked at him him at me.....cheesy I know but true. And that was it. He is my twin, my soul mate, lover brother nemesis everything. The one. Or did he? In a way, in my mind....no not .....not in my mind, it really happened. There was water and something bright and he is and is my brother and then.....it's so hard to write about this. I've never told anyone. He.....he....
did it to me. Hands, fingers first. I was ..........t. Then I came....it flooded out of me. All over. Everywhere....how could there have been so much?
He was so gorgeous I could hardly look at him. I could hardly see him.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Encounter, another
Sin? I went up to Poughkeepsie.....I wrote extensively on this. Exquisitely, splendidly gorgeous upstate NY is. I've been to natural sites the world over but I remember riding the train through this area and it's.....it at it's best can seem almost mythical. The river is a silver color....the least polutted?
I was .....it was on the campus, Vassar, where I met Blane. He was a writer/poet. Very abstract; existentialist-style. A little bizarre.
I was .....it was on the campus, Vassar, where I met Blane. He was a writer/poet. Very abstract; existentialist-style. A little bizarre.
Hail Hekate! Cthonia
I love her.....
More than a little. Not someone ......how do I say? Not exactly typical. Or a pin up. But......it didn't take long for me to see he had that......that it. He was very sexy. I felt it before I knew what it was. That is the perfect aphrodisiac that setting. The hills, seagulls, silver silk river.....words and .......my raging hormones?
I still had my "commitment" to JC which I had intended to keep. It wasn't really; it was really happening. "Work" was well......
And.....
The....this dull ache and buzzing feeling all over me. All I could think about--well, it wasn't all I could think about. But all my impulses were to put his hands on me. To rub up against him. Feel him, feel him......what was it? He was just a strange person. But something.....what ....what he wrote made no sense really. But the desire to get close to him lit up in me bright, the brightest light. And hard. It was painful, physically, not to be able to. To be hindered from it.
Still, the other vision in my head was JC. Staring at me. Accusingly. That was painful too. How could I? I couldn't. I could. I read somewhere that Madonna, not that I want to think about her, had said she'd never been faithful to any of her men. That's awful, you know. I don't want to be that way. But who was I kidding? At one point in my life I had actually been, but only cause the opportunity to ....deviate....never came. I was sixteen. The prime of sexiness, nubile dripping youth and beauty, and I was loyal, and he still cheated on me and dumped me. Rick. Rhymes with Prick. He really screwed me in a lot of ways. Didn't even give me the satisfaction of breaking up with him. He had said, "I can't be with just one girl."
Let's say.....it didn't give me a lot of faith in men or relationships, that one.
I still had my "commitment" to JC which I had intended to keep. It wasn't really; it was really happening. "Work" was well......
And.....
The....this dull ache and buzzing feeling all over me. All I could think about--well, it wasn't all I could think about. But all my impulses were to put his hands on me. To rub up against him. Feel him, feel him......what was it? He was just a strange person. But something.....what ....what he wrote made no sense really. But the desire to get close to him lit up in me bright, the brightest light. And hard. It was painful, physically, not to be able to. To be hindered from it.
Still, the other vision in my head was JC. Staring at me. Accusingly. That was painful too. How could I? I couldn't. I could. I read somewhere that Madonna, not that I want to think about her, had said she'd never been faithful to any of her men. That's awful, you know. I don't want to be that way. But who was I kidding? At one point in my life I had actually been, but only cause the opportunity to ....deviate....never came. I was sixteen. The prime of sexiness, nubile dripping youth and beauty, and I was loyal, and he still cheated on me and dumped me. Rick. Rhymes with Prick. He really screwed me in a lot of ways. Didn't even give me the satisfaction of breaking up with him. He had said, "I can't be with just one girl."
Let's say.....it didn't give me a lot of faith in men or relationships, that one.
But still JC was there. He was not there, but he was. His face. In his eyes. Angry. Hurt. I was terrible. What I was doing was terrible, and dirty.
"Put your fingers all over me. Get me sticky....." oh .....it was.....it was how he did it. It's so rare, almost never I get that from a guy. He licked me my nipple my neck down to my pussy then my nipple I threw my head back I did the same to him......put my tongue on the tip of his dick.....it had all happened very slowly and very fast......
I curled up on the bed and almost.....I almost was in love with Blane. I could be. I couldn't touch him enough. I couldn't ...be with him enough. People had said things to me about being in love with two people at once. I never believed it.
"Put your fingers all over me. Get me sticky....." oh .....it was.....it was how he did it. It's so rare, almost never I get that from a guy. He licked me my nipple my neck down to my pussy then my nipple I threw my head back I did the same to him......put my tongue on the tip of his dick.....it had all happened very slowly and very fast......
I curled up on the bed and almost.....I almost was in love with Blane. I could be. I couldn't touch him enough. I couldn't ...be with him enough. People had said things to me about being in love with two people at once. I never believed it.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
they can call it
stripping I really don't care. Pole dancing, I mean. I know what I am. No matter where I'm dancing or what I'm wearing I know I'm a serious athlete I'm thinking about myself that's all whatever joe or dane doe thinks why concern myself?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Teen sex we were
OK. This story IS true.
You don't realize until later. anyhow, I'd had a few "loverboys" by the time I was 17, that left me not feeling much of anything. My first boyfriend honestly couldn't .........I wasn't moved by the experiences with him.
It was one encounter: something about the way; the way he touched me. I had never thought of him that way before. I actually liked his friend that night. But what's meant to be and what's not.....
it was late and I somehow ended up at his apartment in the east village. We were both 17. I didn't drink much or take drugs at the time after having some bad experiences earlier. So I was in my right head. A few girls had shown up, then left. I was left sitting there with him; I'll call him Vin, and his two guy friends. I was a little hesitant being there as the only female. I suppose the urge to do something sexy was rising in me; I was "horny" ......I leaned back, or onto him. Vin. Then.....having had no feelings for him til now: suddenly that second it changed. He reached over and must have caressed my shoulder blade in the right spot. I felt something buzz all through me. I felt the sensations........in my pussy. I was certainly turned on. Something about the way he did it; something I had always wanted from men but almost never got. He asked me if I wanted to go into the bedroom with him. Yes, no. I heard myself saying yes. Then.....we were in this room, with an unmade bed and clothes thrown every which way. The door shut. I had been wearing a slip; for some reason I had decided to. It was a little awkward. He started to take off my clothes. Then he got undressed. He--I hadn't then seen that many dicks, but I had seen a few. I'd had sex before. But I hadn't -- I wasn't used to it. But then I saw his. I just remember it was pretty substantial. Ugh. Very awkward writing this!
He had condoms next to the bed. He put one on. I didn't even have to ask. That's an absolute rarity with men. Usually they don't have them or will find any excuse not to wear one. Anyway.
Then.....he was in me and we were fucking. Or he was fucking me rather.
And. Well. Like I said--something about how it was done. How he did it. Really I hadn't been touched or "fucked" that way before and rarely since. Hard and deep the right way in the right position the right place. I felt myself orgasming where I'd never had that happen before with a guy, during sex. And it went on forever. Early morning til late. He just wouldn't stop. I felt myself having to pee, but was too weirded out to tell him. He......stayed hard the whole time. As far as I know, this was before Viagra. I must have done something right!
some stuff
it'll be hard admitting to the world I do fantasize about this. Fucked up stuff. I mean really. If I can put this down..........because it goes much much further than what I've written. Much. MUCH. But I'll try. All the while thinking what if JC finds out .....
People seem to know. He seems to read my mind. What could possibly..........
I'm paranoid? Even so; well this is what was...........
so on with the story. For the first time ever I'm admitting this; a lifelong fantasy. Though I didn't invent this. And I'm not the only one. Maybe JC thinks of the same.......
It's going to be hard writing this. But I will. I have to.
then....then.......
feelings of ......the heaving in my stomach......
what if JC finds out? What if he founds out I wrote this? What if JC finds out? For that matter, if Emkee......
that's only the beginning. That's such a sliver of what ....
well as far as fantasies I have go....most are far less benign. To put this on the page......to think this that was in my head; WAS in my head.....
I read that fantasies of bondage; which I have; were interpreted by Freud as parental sexual control. I also read some of Simone de Beauvoir......on; The Second Sex, the Young Girl. Jeunne Fille, in francais. And what I read; I couldn't deny she was describing me and how I was. I thought I was the only one! This was written before I was born..........
that something was around my wrist something really stung my face that I was really helpless.........felt blind then something else happened in me.............I felt my self orgasming...........
still have chills. What if he finds this? What if he finds this? Does he know about it.....seeing him thinking does he know?
what if JC finds out? What if he founds out I wrote this? What if JC finds out? For that matter, if Emkee......
that's only the beginning. That's such a sliver of what ....
well as far as fantasies I have go....most are far less benign. To put this on the page......to think this that was in my head; WAS in my head.....
I read that fantasies of bondage; which I have; were interpreted by Freud as parental sexual control. I also read some of Simone de Beauvoir......on; The Second Sex, the Young Girl. Jeunne Fille, in francais. And what I read; I couldn't deny she was describing me and how I was. I thought I was the only one! This was written before I was born..........
that something was around my wrist something really stung my face that I was really helpless.........felt blind then something else happened in me.............I felt my self orgasming...........
still have chills. What if he finds this? What if he finds this? Does he know about it.....seeing him thinking does he know?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Guilty........yes
What I'd done was terrible. Really the worst thing. I'm the worst.
I did it. Hard. Really. But I did.
You hear people say they had always thought, it'd never happen to them; they'd never do something like that. You say that to yourself.
I loved JC................I knew I did. I decided he was the one I'd marry. THAT I don't take lightly.
But it happened ..........his name was Emkee; he was JC's friend and fellow artist. He was more than that; they worked together and knew each other very well. I ...... Not because I was in love with Emkee. If I had been it would have maybe justified my actions but it wasn't that at the time I simply......there's no nice or gentle way to put it. I just wanted him. Enough.....to make my vision crooked and blurry. In more than one way. To keep repressing how I felt was torture. What I instinctively wanted thought I needed...................I had that desire.............and it continued and persisted.................So was not.....how could I explain it? He wasn't the best looking, or the wealthiest....that kind of thing. He told me where he lived....in my mind I pictured a roll out mattress.....metal coil bed spring bed.....ages old, checkered flannel blanket, clothes all over the floor.............I thought the feelings were a result of a late night, a little booze....physical sensations....that they would pass. A week later they hadn't still.
I've studied astrology since I was eight years old....had done my chart innumerable times......which said my rising sign, the one on the horizon when you're born, was Capricorn. Capricorns are known for being cautious, conservative (me? right), slow moving....it is an earth sign, a sensual one, also materialistic. I've never seen myself that way, except for being sensual. I decided there must have been an error recording my birth somewhere.....all my characteristics pointed to Scorpio as a rising sign (I'm a Leo sun) as ......read their traits; among other things, they (I also) think about sex constantly.
So...Emkee....if I said no? Then? A part of me ......"wish" is maybe not the word.....or is it? If he wouldn't take "no" for an answer.....grabbed my wrist....til it was blue black bruised.......sharp stings......then sensations in my pussy one after another I was shaking from the inside out.....his fingers there....lightly......buzzing feeling.....endless.....my heart about to jump out of me......I threw my head back crying out.......the desire.....all the feelings threw me to the floor and really were almost painful.....I came hard....hard.....all over .....those thoughts would rise in me at all hours during the day and night. Wanting Emkee.....JC.....them both. Had read about someone raised Catholic (I wasn't) and the whole punishment bondage thing.....more of those sensations, harder love and hate? Another guy I'd met who had been......I had also been highly attracted to him.....he'd had that element in him......
I did it. Hard. Really. But I did.
You hear people say they had always thought, it'd never happen to them; they'd never do something like that. You say that to yourself.
I loved JC................I knew I did. I decided he was the one I'd marry. THAT I don't take lightly.
But it happened ..........his name was Emkee; he was JC's friend and fellow artist. He was more than that; they worked together and knew each other very well. I ...... Not because I was in love with Emkee. If I had been it would have maybe justified my actions but it wasn't that at the time I simply......there's no nice or gentle way to put it. I just wanted him. Enough.....to make my vision crooked and blurry. In more than one way. To keep repressing how I felt was torture. What I instinctively wanted thought I needed...................I had that desire.............and it continued and persisted.................So was not.....how could I explain it? He wasn't the best looking, or the wealthiest....that kind of thing. He told me where he lived....in my mind I pictured a roll out mattress.....metal coil bed spring bed.....ages old, checkered flannel blanket, clothes all over the floor.............I thought the feelings were a result of a late night, a little booze....physical sensations....that they would pass. A week later they hadn't still.
I've studied astrology since I was eight years old....had done my chart innumerable times......which said my rising sign, the one on the horizon when you're born, was Capricorn. Capricorns are known for being cautious, conservative (me? right), slow moving....it is an earth sign, a sensual one, also materialistic. I've never seen myself that way, except for being sensual. I decided there must have been an error recording my birth somewhere.....all my characteristics pointed to Scorpio as a rising sign (I'm a Leo sun) as ......read their traits; among other things, they (I also) think about sex constantly.
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