Guilty........yes

What I'd done was terrible. Really the worst thing. I'm the worst.



I did it. Hard. Really. But I did.



You hear people say they had always thought, it'd never happen to them; they'd never do something like that. You say that to yourself.



I loved JC................I knew I did. I decided he was the one I'd marry. THAT I don't take lightly.

But it happened ..........his name was Emkee; he was JC's friend and fellow artist. He was more than that; they worked together and knew each other very well. I ...... Not because I was in love with Emkee. If I had been it would have maybe justified my actions but it wasn't that at the time I simply......there's no nice or gentle way to put it. I just wanted him. Enough.....to make my vision crooked and blurry. In more than one way. To keep repressing how I felt was torture. What I instinctively wanted thought I needed...................I had that desire.............and it continued and persisted.................So was not.....how could I explain it? He wasn't the best looking, or the wealthiest....that kind of thing. He told me where he lived....in my mind I pictured a roll out mattress.....metal coil bed spring bed.....ages old, checkered flannel blanket, clothes all over the floor.............I thought the feelings were a result of a late night, a little booze....physical sensations....that they would pass. A week later they hadn't still.
I've studied astrology since I was eight years old....had done my chart innumerable times......which said my rising sign, the one on the horizon when you're born, was Capricorn. Capricorns are known for being cautious, conservative (me? right), slow moving....it is an earth sign, a sensual one, also materialistic. I've never seen myself that way, except for being sensual. I decided there must have been an error recording my birth somewhere.....all my characteristics pointed to Scorpio as a rising sign (I'm a Leo sun) as ......read their traits; among other things, they (I also) think about sex constantly.





So...Emkee....if I said no? Then? A part of me ......"wish" is maybe not the word.....or is it? If he wouldn't take "no" for an answer.....grabbed my wrist....til it was blue black bruised.......sharp stings......then sensations in my pussy one after another I was shaking from the inside out.....his fingers there....lightly......buzzing feeling.....endless.....my heart about to jump out of me......I threw my head back crying out.......the desire.....all the feelings threw me to the floor and really were almost painful.....I came hard....hard.....all over .....those thoughts would rise in me at all hours during the day and night. Wanting Emkee.....JC.....them both. Had read about someone raised Catholic (I wasn't) and the whole punishment bondage thing.....more of those sensations, harder love and hate? Another guy I'd met who had been......I had also been highly attracted to him.....he'd had that element in him......