Persephone

This is one of my favorite Greek goddesses the rape victim.....Persephone

Lillith

Man fuckin A.......she's a sex bomb! Hail Lillith Demoness

*Belladonna-X

Artist

you hear about these things

and you feel a contempt for that person....an urge to get at them, thinking "they" will never be "you" you think that................

you think "it'll never happen to me" then it does.

been a while since I've written

but I have quite a lot to say.

I feel like my skin's been ripped off and people can see everything I'm made of inside me. My heart still beating. Blood.

Night Play by *valse-des-ombres

Emilie Leger

What I did and didn't

what had happened........it was like something someone else was in control of me. You .....you can work really hard and plan stuff and go through this whole process, but other times well I just plunge ahead into something of course I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn't know what I was doing period. Now I know. What really.....I mean something that was pretty minute that I didn't think anyone would notice he saw. Anyway......well........I can't say I'm not affected by this. It has really shaken me up. But I kept going back. I believed absolutely in what I was doing. That is why I went through what I did. It was very awkward at first and there was no one I knew who was doing the same....but something in me....it was like I had to.


But still. Something else was building up in me. It was red hot .........I mean in every sense of the word. If it wasn't love at first site, it was definitely lust. I didn't know who he was but I just sensed it. I mean that sounds so cheesy......but immediately BAM it hit me. But it made me uncomfortable. It was too intimate. I don't seek out this kind of attention from people, from strangers. I don't go out of my way to provoke others. I'd rather avoid somebody than face them. A part of me was afraid of him another part of me wanted him. Rather savagely.

Dulcinea

New Chants Cheers

as I heat up
want to feel seashells under me
the waves over me
as I'm going wish
help wish help wish help
I'm hurting hurting
the waves, the sand the torches that are burning

and he will be mine the day is mine

Aphrodite

Aphrodite, goddess of sluts! And beauty. And love.

Painting by My Ambeon on Deviantart

CB.

I haven't yet talked about Nikki or CB.......

I saw CB. Every time it's the same response. In me.

my own adrenaline rises or my blood levels or what is it.....

thought I couldn't fall the same way again, whatever it is.......

but I saw him and it did, I did.

Flooding? The Queen of Cups.

How could it be over? You think it is.......


I thought it was.....or at least had sobered.

I've seen the penis/vagina candles to me they're just vulgar.....all that kind of stuff. Maybe it's the poet or dancer in me.

But I have seen some sculptures....anyway I'm getting ahead of myself.

All those things, fire that seems endless. It was endless. The kundalini level was high.....and higher.......

the smoke alarm kept going off. On its own.

JC more

my twin
my brother
my lover
soul mate
nemesis

lust is heavy
wavy heavy
lust is heavy
wavy heavy
lust is heavy
wavy heavy

phone

hey my phone was just stolen so please email to contact me it's the only way....all temporary....


thanks!

now back to erotic writing

JC

and how it started. I haven't gone into that yet.





JC I knew....it didn't happen at first. I had thought he was a dork. It was later.....a different time. That it happened. I looked at him him at me.....cheesy I know but true. And that was it. He is my twin, my soul mate, lover brother nemesis everything. The one. Or did he? In a way, in my mind....no not .....not in my mind, it really happened. There was water and something bright and he is and is my brother and then.....it's so hard to write about this. I've never told anyone. He.....he....





did it to me. Hands, fingers first. I was ..........t. Then I came....it flooded out of me. All over. Everywhere....how could there have been so much?
He was so gorgeous I could hardly look at him. I could hardly see him.

Encounter, another

Sin? I went up to Poughkeepsie.....I wrote extensively on this. Exquisitely, splendidly gorgeous upstate NY is. I've been to natural sites the world over but I remember riding the train through this area and it's.....it at it's best can seem almost mythical. The river is a silver color....the least polutted?

I was .....it was on the campus, Vassar, where I met Blane. He was a writer/poet. Very abstract; existentialist-style. A little bizarre.

Hail Hekate! Cthonia

I love her.....

More than a little. Not someone ......how do I say? Not exactly typical. Or a pin up. But......it didn't take long for me to see he had that......that it. He was very sexy. I felt it before I knew what it was. That is the perfect aphrodisiac that setting. The hills, seagulls, silver silk river.....words and .......my raging hormones?


I still had my "commitment" to JC which I had intended to keep. It wasn't really; it was really happening. "Work" was well......

And.....
The....this dull ache and buzzing feeling all over me. All I could think about--well, it wasn't all I could think about. But all my impulses were to put his hands on me. To rub up against him. Feel him, feel him......what was it? He was just a strange person. But something.....what ....what he wrote made no sense really. But the desire to get close to him lit up in me bright, the brightest light. And hard. It was painful, physically, not to be able to. To be hindered from it.

Still, the other vision in my head was JC. Staring at me. Accusingly. That was painful too. How could I? I couldn't. I could. I read somewhere that Madonna, not that I want to think about her, had said she'd never been faithful to any of her men. That's awful, you know. I don't want to be that way. But who was I kidding? At one point in my life I had actually been, but only cause the opportunity to ....deviate....never came. I was sixteen. The prime of sexiness, nubile dripping youth and beauty, and I was loyal, and he still cheated on me and dumped me. Rick. Rhymes with Prick. He really screwed me in a lot of ways. Didn't even give me the satisfaction of breaking up with him. He had said, "I can't be with just one girl."

Let's say.....it didn't give me a lot of faith in men or relationships, that one.

But still JC was there. He was not there, but he was. His face. In his eyes. Angry. Hurt. I was terrible. What I was doing was terrible, and dirty.

"Put your fingers all over me. Get me sticky....." oh .....it was.....it was how he did it. It's so rare, almost never I get that from a guy. He licked me my nipple my neck down to my pussy then my nipple I threw my head back I did the same to him......put my tongue on the tip of his dick.....it had all happened very slowly and very fast......

I curled up on the bed and almost.....I almost was in love with Blane. I could be. I couldn't touch him enough. I couldn't ...be with him enough. People had said things to me about being in love with two people at once. I never believed it.

they can call it

stripping I really don't care. Pole dancing, I mean. I know what I am. No matter where I'm dancing or what I'm wearing I know I'm a serious athlete I'm thinking about myself that's all whatever joe or dane doe thinks why concern myself?

Teen sex we were

OK. This story IS true.

You don't realize until later. anyhow, I'd had a few "loverboys" by the time I was 17, that left me not feeling much of anything. My first boyfriend honestly couldn't .........I wasn't moved by the experiences with him.

It was one encounter: something about the way; the way he touched me. I had never thought of him that way before. I actually liked his friend that night. But what's meant to be and what's not.....

it was late and I somehow ended up at his apartment in the east village. We were both 17. I didn't drink much or take drugs at the time after having some bad experiences earlier. So I was in my right head. A few girls had shown up, then left. I was left sitting there with him; I'll call him Vin, and his two guy friends. I was a little hesitant being there as the only female. I suppose the urge to do something sexy was rising in me; I was "horny" ......I leaned back, or onto him. Vin. Then.....having had no feelings for him til now: suddenly that second it changed. He reached over and must have caressed my shoulder blade in the right spot. I felt something buzz all through me. I felt the sensations........in my pussy. I was certainly turned on. Something about the way he did it; something I had always wanted from men but almost never got. He asked me if I wanted to go into the bedroom with him. Yes, no. I heard myself saying yes. Then.....we were in this room, with an unmade bed and clothes thrown every which way. The door shut. I had been wearing a slip; for some reason I had decided to. It was a little awkward. He started to take off my clothes. Then he got undressed. He--I hadn't then seen that many dicks, but I had seen a few. I'd had sex before. But I hadn't -- I wasn't used to it. But then I saw his. I just remember it was pretty substantial. Ugh. Very awkward writing this!

He had condoms next to the bed. He put one on. I didn't even have to ask. That's an absolute rarity with men. Usually they don't have them or will find any excuse not to wear one. Anyway.

Then.....he was in me and we were fucking. Or he was fucking me rather.

And. Well. Like I said--something about how it was done. How he did it. Really I hadn't been touched or "fucked" that way before and rarely since. Hard and deep the right way in the right position the right place. I felt myself orgasming where I'd never had that happen before with a guy, during sex. And it went on forever. Early morning til late. He just wouldn't stop. I felt myself having to pee, but was too weirded out to tell him. He......stayed hard the whole time. As far as I know, this was before Viagra. I must have done something right!

some stuff

it'll be hard admitting to the world I do fantasize about this. Fucked up stuff. I mean really. If I can put this down..........because it goes much much further than what I've written. Much. MUCH. But I'll try. All the while thinking what if JC finds out .....


People seem to know. He seems to read my mind. What could possibly..........

I'm paranoid? Even so; well this is what was...........

so on with the story. For the first time ever I'm admitting this; a lifelong fantasy. Though I didn't invent this. And I'm not the only one. Maybe JC thinks of the same.......

It's going to be hard writing this. But I will. I have to.

then....then.......

feelings of ......the heaving in my stomach......


what if JC finds out? What if he founds out I wrote this? What if JC finds out? For that matter, if Emkee......

that's only the beginning. That's such a sliver of what ....


well as far as fantasies I have go....most are far less benign. To put this on the page......to think this that was in my head; WAS in my head.....



I read that fantasies of bondage; which I have; were interpreted by Freud as parental sexual control. I also read some of Simone de Beauvoir......on; The Second Sex, the Young Girl. Jeunne Fille, in francais. And what I read; I couldn't deny she was describing me and how I was. I thought I was the only one! This was written before I was born..........




that something was around my wrist something really stung my face that I was really helpless.........felt blind then something else happened in me.............I felt my self orgasming...........

still have chills. What if he finds this? What if he finds this? Does he know about it.....seeing him thinking does he know?

R*e*d D*u*s*t: The bruised is wet

R*e*d D*u*s*t: The bruised is wet

The bruised is wet

sticky wet
the bruised is wet
sticky wet
the bruised is wet

Guilty........yes

What I'd done was terrible. Really the worst thing. I'm the worst.



I did it. Hard. Really. But I did.



You hear people say they had always thought, it'd never happen to them; they'd never do something like that. You say that to yourself.



I loved JC................I knew I did. I decided he was the one I'd marry. THAT I don't take lightly.

But it happened ..........his name was Emkee; he was JC's friend and fellow artist. He was more than that; they worked together and knew each other very well. I ...... Not because I was in love with Emkee. If I had been it would have maybe justified my actions but it wasn't that at the time I simply......there's no nice or gentle way to put it. I just wanted him. Enough.....to make my vision crooked and blurry. In more than one way. To keep repressing how I felt was torture. What I instinctively wanted thought I needed...................I had that desire.............and it continued and persisted.................So was not.....how could I explain it? He wasn't the best looking, or the wealthiest....that kind of thing. He told me where he lived....in my mind I pictured a roll out mattress.....metal coil bed spring bed.....ages old, checkered flannel blanket, clothes all over the floor.............I thought the feelings were a result of a late night, a little booze....physical sensations....that they would pass. A week later they hadn't still.
I've studied astrology since I was eight years old....had done my chart innumerable times......which said my rising sign, the one on the horizon when you're born, was Capricorn. Capricorns are known for being cautious, conservative (me? right), slow moving....it is an earth sign, a sensual one, also materialistic. I've never seen myself that way, except for being sensual. I decided there must have been an error recording my birth somewhere.....all my characteristics pointed to Scorpio as a rising sign (I'm a Leo sun) as ......read their traits; among other things, they (I also) think about sex constantly.





So...Emkee....if I said no? Then? A part of me ......"wish" is maybe not the word.....or is it? If he wouldn't take "no" for an answer.....grabbed my wrist....til it was blue black bruised.......sharp stings......then sensations in my pussy one after another I was shaking from the inside out.....his fingers there....lightly......buzzing feeling.....endless.....my heart about to jump out of me......I threw my head back crying out.......the desire.....all the feelings threw me to the floor and really were almost painful.....I came hard....hard.....all over .....those thoughts would rise in me at all hours during the day and night. Wanting Emkee.....JC.....them both. Had read about someone raised Catholic (I wasn't) and the whole punishment bondage thing.....more of those sensations, harder love and hate? Another guy I'd met who had been......I had also been highly attracted to him.....he'd had that element in him......

The woods
the hills
her how to get her out of her clothes
out of them
it happens too fast

fingers

put them all over me
get me bruised
sticky, wet

Crazy stuff I wrote

It was me at my worst and definitely not my best writing. But if I may say so myself, the design is brilliantly done by yours truly, art work courtesy of others.

Roma Pizza Revised

I've since been ok with that place though it is vile and the source of some very bad memories.


you think you're so ........so ABOVE ............ when you know nothing about me ........ you ............oh you're innocent? I won't apologize! I don't say it cause I'm too well bred. THAT doesn't make it untrue. It is VERY true. It is what is hidden and unsaid and noticed by very minute few that is the real story and sadly it is very seldom brought to light. Especially here in America. Cause this is a country where everyone came from somewhere else then their past was lost, their language lost. We live only in the present.....?


YOU who judge me and us.....Yeah.....good luck finding....once again I ................ I am a lady and sadly that puts me in a place where I can't always speak my mind. I have class and you do not. Yeah.....if you WERE anything you wouldn't have to try so hard to prove it. ...........I have something I don't want more that I do want...... And .....hey enjoy your high while it lasts! THAT I promise you. Go ahead and laugh.............star that was pink that was mine. ............

"The Dead Girl" revised

well, I seemed to get some praise for this post though was going to delete. Just have to point out that whores are people with brains ....even though I haven't seen the film "The Dead Girl" there's this stereotype of the drug addled hooker who is a train wreck. It really offends me. People are complex. People are many things! And we're not all passive victims. But it is true, for that matter, that people who have bi-polar disorder, which is something you're born with, who don't get treatment do resort to outside drugs for their condition. These people need help, they don't need to be condemned or for people to try to change them or force them to be something.That was Brittany Murphy's last role.....eeh.....something sure went wrong there. There but for the grace of spirits could I have gone thank you very much ......continued.....

Revision of last....Controversial?

but time for some cthonic art why not.....








New Writings:



something dirty was turning in me
a circle of them
of them
too many of them too many of them
that which I didn't want

except for the lake to take you out
something that was you
it's red you watch it
then bury it


your blood is the color of wine
you watch it in the tube
they took it out of you
I'll be ok, it was only them
and a flute....
I'll live it, then forget it
then forget it

Clarification

Wow! It's been quite a while since I logged on here. I realize the stuff written is pretty scary to a lot of people. It is true at the time I was going through some stuff romantically; you play with matches you're likely to get burned if you don't know how to use them. Still, you learn also by your mistakes. I do not live my everyday life the way it's described here. I am, however, writing about what I see around me and experience. Some love relationships will do that to people. There's power involved.

Anyway, my life really revolves around dancing, paying rent and bills like everyone else, acting, writing, reading and researching.....and this relationship I wrote about has had its ups and downs but we hung in there. THAT's another story. Still, if I may say so myself, I think this blog is damn good. By going to the dark side we come out at the light, sometimes. And red and black is SEXY!